


Weapon of Choice

by Zerrat



Category: Drag-On Dragoon | Drakengard, Drakengard 3
Genre: Canon Appropriate Violence, Crack, Gen, Unknown Branch, Zero just can't with anything Five these days, unusual sex toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 11:26:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2620079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zerrat/pseuds/Zerrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Zero takes Five's spear for herself, she's horrified to find that killing wasn't the only thing Five used her weapon for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weapon of Choice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lionsenpai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionsenpai/gifts).



> I blame KC and J entirely for this mess. :/

Before they left the colosseum and the oceans for the Land of Mountains, Dito stopped by the scattered mess that remained of Five. For a moment, Zero was pretty damn certain from the set of his shoulders and the twist of his lips that he'd launch another violent display of rage - and really, who had time for a round two of _that_? - but after staring at his dead Intoner for a long, unblinking space of time, he knelt by her side and drew something from the gore. 

Zero's eyes narrowed as Dito shouldered Five's long spear with a grunt, the whites and golds of it painted wet and crimson in the colosseum's pale light. She said nothing, tense and wondering why the fuck he was even bothering. The thing was tacky as all-get-out, and if she hadn't known better, she might have thought it one of those ridiculous ornamental crosses adorning much of Cathedral City. 

Her lips thinned as he approached, watching him sweeping Five's spear out before him with a well-practiced flourish. 

_Give me a break._

Sick of Dito taking his sweet time answering, Zero raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to explain, or am I going to be the one to decide what to do with that thing?" She dropped the false honey from her tone then, baring her teeth as she added, "I'm really feeling _castration,_ you get me?"

Dito just laughed at the threat, low and genuinely amused. The kid had balls, Zero had to give him that. 

"You're an Intoner, right? Thought you could _use_ this thing like Five. _You get me?"_ Dito finally said, still snickering beneath his breath as he offered the spear's cross-shaped handle to her. 

Irritated, Zero all but snatched it from his outstretched hand. 

"Trust me, if Five could use this thing, it's not gonna be a _problem_ for me," she snarled, her eyes narrowing as Mikhail began to shuffle nervously behind her. 

"Um, Zero? Aren't we not meant to just grab things? I mean, you said-"

"And what else have I said?" she asked him, her voice a lazy sort of drawl, shouldering Five's spear the way Dito had and jerking her head for the vast gates to the colosseum. She wondered - how many of Five's idiots would be waiting out there for them?

"Uh... 'do as I say, not as I do'?" Mikhail filled in dutifully, falling into pace behind her. Just an echo of the shadow Michael had been, but he was still there when it counted. She offered him a sharp smile over her shoulder. 

"That's a good boy," Zero said, glancing back down to the weapon of ivory and gold in her hands. She had to admit, she _was_ looking forward to cutting through some of Five's thralls with the Intoner's personal weapon. 

She did so love the taste of irony.

###

Five's weapon wasn't all that bad. Zero could admit to that, if she was in the rare mood to be both honest and slightly charitable.

Despite the thing being gaudy as hell - and huge, had anybody ever let Five know that size didn't matter? - the lance was actually balanced to within a fraction of an ounce. The edges were impossibly sharp and polished to perfection, and it almost felt like the weapon was flying in Zero's hands as she wreaked destruction on the poor fools Four had thrown in her path. 

Impossible as it seemed, Zero decided, maybe Five actually did have a little taste when it came to weaponry. She pivoted, grunting and sending the point right through the helm of one of Four's lancers, cutting through steel, flesh and bone as if they'd never been there at all. 

Zero readjusted her grip on the handle with a twist and swung the lance out wide in a flourish of light and song. The pair of archers to her left fell, neatly bisected at the waists, and her laugh was one of bloodthirsty delight. She allowed Dito to handle the remaining cannon fodder, setting the tip of the lance between the cracks in the flagstones with something that felt a lot like satisfaction. 

Five's weapon would do, Zero thought, her fingers idly moving about the cross-shaped hilt, tracing the grooves and bumps as she watched Dito open a swordman's throat with his own spear, wreaking hell. One of the bumps toward the blade, right where the tang connected, felt almost loose under her fingertips, and frowning, Zero, toyed with it, applying just a small amount of pressure - 

_You have got to be fucking kidding me,_ Zero's mind practically snarled, complete horror freezing her every muscle as the entire goddamn blade began to _vibrate_. It was impossible. It was obscene. It was completely _Five._

With a furious growl, Zero ripped the blade from the ground and sent it flying for Dito. The object of her loathing was completely unaware of her discovery, of course, only just jerking his blade free from the last of his targets, but that was the fucking _point._ The throw was far too high though, piercing the raised edge of his hood and sending him slamming back against the warehouse's wooden boards, pinned there by Five's lance. 

How unfortunate, Zero noted as she strode toward him - she'd missed his heart. 

Dito's teeth were bared, his face white and his eyes wide as he looked down at the blade at his shoulder. "Z, what the hell-?"

Zero didn't let him finish, balling her fist in his scarf and drawing him up and off-balance. The fucking spear was still vibrating, and Zero wanted nothing more than to throw the damn thing off the side of the mountain. 

"You knew," she spat, not even bothering to explain. He was a smart guy. He'd figure it out. 

After a moment, as nothing but Zero's harsh breath and the whir of vibrations filled the mountain air, Dito grinned up at her. 

"I'd wondered how long it would take you to find all the attachments."

"All the -" Zero cut off, and she looked back down to the spear in a mix of horror and suspicion. There were more? God _damnit_ Five. "You're telling me she used this thing as a fucking sex toy?"

"Yeah, sometimes she just couldn't bring along her trusty utility belt, you know?" Dito spread his hands, completely nonchalant at the fact Zero was promising slow, agonising death with her eyes. Hell, he even looked as if he was having the time of his goddamn _life._ "Had to give her something to take the edge off."

Zero's eyes narrowed, and she remained silent. Even from _beyond the grave_ , Five still had enough fucking pull in this world to manage to make her skin crawl. Unbelievable. 

A part of Zero wanted douse herself in oil and set herself on fire, or failing that, to ask Dito to cut both her arms off. Was it worth risking an increase of the flower's influence by regenerating again so soon? She shuddered, considering it regardless. That _thing_ was still buzzing, too, relentless and driving deep into the back of her skull. 

_Whatever._ She found the button near the tang again and turned it off, before yanking it from the wood. The weapon was heavy in her mechanical hand, the hilt still warm from her own grasp, but god she couldn't _rid_ herself of the thought of Five using it in some decidedly non-lethal ways. 

Fuck, Five was probably killing herself laughing in the afterlife - or perhaps just getting herself off. Zero wasn't sure what would be worse, at this point. 

"What the fuck am I meant to do with this thing?" she finally asked, her voice tight. 

"You could always take a leaf out of Five's book." Dito shrugged, pointedly ignoring the derisive curl of Zero's lips. "I was pretty impressed about that one time she used the hilt as a dildo, you know?"

Zero didn't even hesitate. She dropped the lance to the flagstones with a disgusted sound, the weapon clanging loudly against the ground and echoing out through the mountain valley. 

"Say one more word about this and you're going to wake up with the thing jammed up _your ass,_ " Zero ground out, but apparently self-preservation was not high on Dito's priorities - the bastard just kept _going_. 

"It seemed impossible to me, but you know Five. When she's determined..." Dito sighed, delighted as Zero's mechanical hand tightened in his scarf threateningly. "It was actually one of the few times I had to respect her. She used to say that it was all about believing in yourself."

"Enough already. God," Zero spat, pinching the bridge of her nose. She couldn't even begin to deal with the mental image that Dito's story was eliciting, and she released him with a jerk, repulsed. "You are more like Five than you think. Neither of you ever shut up. And neither of you are _funny._ " 

"Whatever, Z," Dito shot back, feigning a relaxed yawn and darting out of reach before Zero could change her mind and shank him for his little prank. He offered her a cocky salute, taking the steps by two and running for where Mikhail was waiting for them up ahead. Over his shoulder, he called out breathlessly, "Hope you have fun with your new toy!"

Zero watched him flee with a snarl, sorely tempted to pursue and rip his lungs out through his fucking nostrils, but he'd chosen his tactic well. She sure as hell wasn't going to bring up the spear's special features around Mikhail, so for now... She supposed Dito had earned himself safety from further reprisal. 

She cursed under her breath, looking back down to the lance at her feet, disgust and frustration battling it out, but still only secondary to the irritation she felt for herself. She really should have expected it of Five, and it was galling that the dead Intoner could still surprise her. 

Worse, of course the spear would be a perfectly balanced weapon, too. It was just also a sex toy. A sex toy that Five had made great use of.

Zero exhaled sharply. Throwing it off the side of the mountain was continuing to look real fucking attractive. 

Though... Zero _was_ on her way to pay a little visit to Four, and Four was... _Four._ Having something like this wouldn't be a terrible ace in the hole - if they ever managed to chase her down, anyway. It wouldn't be the way Zero had planned to take her pious sister down, but it did tickle that delicious sense of vicious irony again. She could just imagine the horrified stare when she let Four know just where it had been...

Zero laughed under her breath, cruelly amused at the thought and some of her good mood returning. One thing was for sure, though. She wouldn't be using Five's weapon of choice for herself any time soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Skype logs that inspired this fic  
>  **Zerrat:** (Fun fact: you get the sister's weapons when you beat their storyline DLC. I'm taking great joy in equipping zero with her sister's stuff)  
>  **lionsenpai:** (gdi)  
>  **lionsenpai:** (laughing about zero running around with fives spear and then realizing theres like an attachment or something on it)  
>  **lionsenpai:** (DROPS THE THING WITH A SCREECH AND CUTS OFF HANDS)


End file.
